photo by Julia Lehman-McTigue of vision13.com
No brain trauma explanation foreplay, gang. It’s March 2016, also known as Brain Injury Awareness Month. Here we go with five things you need to understand about brain trauma.
1, Stop looking for post-brain trauma behavior to make sense. My mom experienced a catastrophic head injury in December of 2006. None of her doctors prepared me for the changes in personality. Her sudden mood swings initially scared, confused, and disoriented me. I became her watchdog. I micromanaged her care like you wouldn’t believe. No matter how dedicated I was to protecting her, I wasn’t superhuman. She fell on her head again, several months after the original injury. Aaaack! And she functioned better after the second fall. Maybe the impact put her brains back into their original box. I dunno. All I knew was that she was a little more like my mom. I asked her about it one day. She agreed that she was mentally sharper for some months after the second fall. Did it make sense? Hell, no. Was I grateful for the gift? Hell, yes!
2. Stop making it only about what you want. I have a longtime friend who decided to surprise me. She and her daughter had asked me out for a birthday lunch. I was surprised to see three people arrive in their car. I was expecting only two people to join us. The friend had invited her daughter-in-law and didn’t think to tell me. The daughter-in-law is a really lovely person, and I enjoyed meeting her. The problem was that it takes a lot of energy, post-stroke, for me to meet someone new, and I didn’t have it to give that day. I was so tired after the lunch that I changed my plans for the rest of the day. If I’d have known about meeting the daughter-in-law in advance, I would have gotten more rest the night before and I wouldn’t have had to abruptly cancel out on attending a lecture I’d driven an hour to hear and was looking forward to attending that night. Just because you can easily adjust to changes in plans doesn’t mean I can do it, too. Don’t assume anything. Ask first if it’s OK.
3. This may sound like a duh, but listen up. I am different because I had a brain trauma. Example: I’d met a guy a couple of years ago who asked me if I was a good kisser. I gave him an honest answer. “I have no idea. I used to be a good kisser before I had the stroke. I haven’t kissed anyone in years, so I can’t honestly answer that question.” Not only do I not know if I am a good kisser, I don’t know if I am good at any of the things I used to do and haven’t attempted during the past four years. Instead of asking me if I am a good kisser, which puts me in a stressful position way in advance of our possibly meeting, why not let things evolve? If you need my resume before we kiss, remember that I am different because I had a brain trauma. Either accept me as I am today or walk away before we meet. I don’t need the performance anxiety. Your choice, dude. (I, not he, walked away.)
4. I know more about what my brain can do than you. Spare me the platitudes. I don’t want to hear stories about how your friend’s second wife’s first husband made a miraculous recovery and so will I. My attitude is great, I have made an amazing recovery to date, I am still focused on getting back what I have lost, and I still have a long way to go. Every brain trauma, like every snowflake, is different. I may get everything back I’d lost, and I may not. I really believed I’d be completely recovered by now. I’ve learned it’s much healthier for me to be grateful for what I now have instead of angry about what I don’t have. Either accept me as I am right now, without expecting anything more from me than I can give you right now, or walk away. You don’t know where I’ve been, and you don’t know where I’m going. Don’t disrespect where I am on my path by expecting me to fulfill your expectations.
5. Is your heart open to the possibility of loving me? My mother was amazingly functional, as much as was possible with a severe brain trauma that turned into dementia, because she knew she was unconditionally loved and supported by me. When you asked her to name a country that began with the letter Y, she immediately said, “Yugoslavia.” She’d never been to Europe, and our family wasn’t of Serbian descent. Hmmm. She could walk with a walker, she could feed herself, she could dress herself, and she could enjoy speaking to and listening to others. These aren’t necessarily typical behaviors for brain trauma survivors. The director of her memory care unit agreed with me about her high functionality being tied to her knowing how much I loved her. If your heart isn’t open to the possibility of loving me, then go away. I have found I do much better when I am around people who actively love me. These are the people who say the word and then take the actions to support having said the word. They learn what I need from them, they learn what I can give to them, and they focus on the love and fun we share. They celebrate what we have; they don’t focus on what we are lacking. If that’s not something you want to do, then goodbye.
March is Brain Injury Awareness Month. Please take your new awareness into the world and share it with others. This has been a public service announcement from Sheryl Hirsch-Kramer, aka “The Cosmic Ass Kicker.”
Do you like what you’ve read here? Did you have any “aha” moments? Yes? Then consider coaching with me. I love helping people light up. Let’s see if we’re a fit for each other. Write me via the contact page on this website for a free consult.
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