Breaking Our Love Patterns
How do we break our love patterns?
It’s easy to break our love patterns, if we allow it to be easy to break our love patterns. We can break our love patterns by focusing on the love instead of focusing on the ways we think love should be.
If you’ve been a primary caregiver for a person with a diagnosis of dementia, you have most likely had to adjust to the ways your relationship has changed. Some people find it easier to make the adjustment than others. As an example, I just saw a post from a Facebook friend who is grappling with breaking a love pattern. After a lifetime of being her mother’s daughter, she is doing her best to adjust to the new pattern of her mother’s calling her Mom. I love her so much. My heart aches for the confusion she is experiencing where she now is.
Maybe you’ve gone through a similar grappling.
I was a primary dementia caregiver. I was my mother’s daughter until she became my daughter. She called me Mom. I called her Baby. It didn’t matter what she called me. It mattered that she felt loved and safe with me.
I was introduced to a healer the day after my mother’s funeral. We were in the same rock shop at the same time. I’d frequently visited the rock shop during my mother’s final months. Dementia caregiving was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. The rock shop had become a place for me to feel good during a time in which not much made me feel good. The owner of the shop brought the healer and me together, saying she felt I should know the healer. The healer looked at me. Her eyes filled with tears as she said, “You’ve lost your daughter, haven’t you?”
It felt wonderful to experience her love and compassion. I felt completely understood by her in that moment. It would have been impossible for me to experience our interaction as pure love if I’d remained attached to the pattern that my mother would always be my mother.
Love is love. I loved being my mother’s mother. I loved being my mother’s daughter. It didn’t matter what she called me. It didn’t matter what I called her. It mattered that our love went beyond titles.
When we love someone, we are presented with many opportunities to break our established love patterns. Many of our established patterns unknowingly keep us away from love. When we want people to fit our expectations instead of wanting them to be exactly who they are, we’re not loving them. When we want people to make us feel whole instead of finding our own wholeness and then sharing it with others, we’re not loving them. When we want people to serve us instead of wanting to serve each other, we’re not loving them.
I invite you to look back on your life. When have you wanted someone to fit your lifelong love patterns instead of loving them for the person he or she now is?
We’re into a transformative year. We lurch from crisis to crisis. We yearn for stability during increasingly unstable times. We need each other more than ever as we find more and more ways to create and sustain divisions between us.
Life as we’ve known it to be is falling apart right on schedule. The bridge between the falling apart and the coming together in an entirely new way is loving without holding onto our previous patterns.
Most of us have good clerk skills. We learn clerk skills as young children and polish our clerk skills as we move through our lives. We love to categorize. We love to alphabetize. We love to file.
I invite you to consider tossing your clerk skills as they relate to our relating to each other. The categorization, the alphabetizing, the filing are efficiently keeping us isolated from each other.
Our love patterns, if we choose it to be so, can be as ephemeral as the sands in the photo that begins this post. This is a perfect time to sweep away whatever love patterns you hold that are keeping you from being the love you always have been. The more we are love, the more we will together transform everyone and everything through love.
We unite in love.
It’s easy to break our love patterns, if we allow it to be easy to break our love patterns. We can break our love patterns by focusing on the love instead of focusing on the ways we think love should be.
When we love someone for the person we want them to be, we’re not loving them for who they are in this sacred moment. Is it really love to love someone because they fit our image of what we want love to be?
“Love one another.” George Harrison’s last words
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