What do you say to someone who’s grieving?

Death makes many people uncomfortable, especially people who aren’t comfortable with feeling their feelings.  Maybe they haven’t given themselves permission to fully grieve a loved one’s death or the relationship they wish they’d have had with the loved one.  Maybe they’ve never lost someone they’ve loved and don’t know how it feels to mourn.  Maybe they think they’re helping by offering the mind-centered cliches they’ve heard from others.

There are many reasons why many people focus on how uncomfortable they are instead of saying something supportive to the mourner.

Laila, my heartdog, passed away five weeks ago.  I learned today that Tobie, the fourteen-year-old beagle in the photo below, has also passed away.   I spent more time with Tobie after Laila passed than when she was here.  We both loved her, and I’m hoping it helped us both to spend time together.  I know it helped me to hold him.  I recently gave him one of her toys, hoping her smell would comfort him.  Tobie was a very cool dog.  The last time I saw him, which was last week, he was determined to pull his human mom and his dog brother down the street as fast as he could.  He was feeling good that day.  I loved watching him being a feisty beagle once more, not an ailing old dog.

Tobie was my friend.  I miss my friend.

Here in May, gone in July

Laila was family to me.  I see her as my final family member to pass away.  After Laila passed, I was grieving and I was worn out from caregiving.  I looked for comfort from the neighborhood dogs.  The dogs sensed I was in pain.  They’d come bounding up to me, eyes sparkling and tails wagging, inviting me to spend a moment with them so I could receive their precious healing.  It felt wonderful to enjoy the company of someone who silently understood.

I’d hoped to receive comfort from people, too.  Some people came through for me, saying or doing supportive things or just giving me a much-needed hug.  That also felt wonderful.  I turned to dogs for my healing after hearing one too many people say things like, “What did you do with her body?  Did you cremate her, or did you bury her near your home?”

It doesn’t help me feel better to entertain these questions.  Now you know why I’m largely looking to dogs for my comfort.

The absolute best thing anyone has said to me during the past five weeks came from Kyle.  Kyle lives across the street from me.  Kyle is thirteen.  Kyle and his fifteen-year-old brother Sean and their mother Laura have been wonderfully supportive, always speaking from their hearts.

Here’s what Kyle said to me last Friday:

“I miss your dog.  She was a really nice dog.”

My body went, “Ahhhhhhhhhh” when he said this.

Those ten simple words are a perfect example of creating and communicating words that heal.  Here’s why:

• Kyle was focused on saying something that would feel good to me.  Kyle didn’t say, “She was old, it was her time.” Those are words that come from the mind, not the heart.  We can and do want our loved ones to find peace, but we’re still allowed to grieve their passing.  Our lives will never be the same as they were when our loved ones were with us physically.  We can mourn that change.  Kyle’s words reflected where I now am.  I miss Laila, too.  And she was a really nice dog.  I felt so loved and supported the moment he said that to me.
• Kyle was living in the now.  Kyle didn’t ask me, as so many others have, “So are you going to move now?” or “Are you going to get another dog?” or “What happens when a vet puts down a dog?”  None of these questions, and I’ve received many more like them, feel good to me.  They take me back to a time I’d rather forget, or they push me into a future I’m not ready to consider.  I’ve lost enough people in my life to understand that the best thing I can do for my own healing is to embrace whatever it is I am feeling now so I can move through the grieving process with grace and ease. Kyle spoke about how he was feeling in that moment, which gave me permission to put all other past or future thoughts aside and join him in simply celebrating my wonderful dog.
• Kyle remembered my dog.   Laila lived for sixteen years, nearly twelve of those years with me.  Like all of us, she was a unique creature.  Like all of us, through her presence, she left her mark upon this world.  Even though Laila is no longer here physically, Kyle’s memory of her being a really nice dog keeps her alive.  And Kyle’s sharing his memory of my really nice dog helps me transform my present sadness into appreciation of the difference she made in his life.

Kyle and his brother have been diagnosed with autism.  People on the outside often don’t understand autism.  Those who live with autism have different ways of living their lives.

After experiencing the kindness, the compassion, and the beauty of Kyle and Sean, especially after experiencing the opposite from so many others who live their lives differently, I honor these boys as being awe-tistic.  They are awesome teachers of love.

Thank you, Kyle, for helping me write this post and for helping me heal my heart. I hope that sharing your wisdom helps my readers to comfort the mourners in their lives as you have comforted me.

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