Love Difficult People, Heal The World

How can loving difficult people heal the world?

If it’s an hour of the day that ends in o’clock, somebody somewhere is complaining about someone they know.   I’m talking about people who aren’t doing what their loved ones want them to do.  Maybe they absentmindedly leave the cap off the toothpaste tube.  Maybe they always place their needs above the needs of their nearest and dearest.  Maybe they pretend to listen.  Maybe they do all of the above.  Maybe they do other things that irritate the crap out of their loved ones.

Are you with me so far?

Difficult people can also help us become more loving beings, if we only allow ourselves to accept the gifts they bring to us.

Gifts?  Really, Sheryl?

Yes, really, dear reader.  I’m about to share a story that illustrates my point.  I invite you to imagine yourself being part of the story.  Feel free to ask yourself how you would have felt if you were me and how you would have felt if you were my Mom.  I’m hoping you’ll read all the way to the end and begin to view your interactions with the difficult people in your life in a different way.

My Mom fell a few months after moving into a memory care unit.  An ambulance was called, and she was taken to the hospital.  She was released after being examined and treated.  I was on my way to see her when I received a call saying she had fallen again and was back in the hospital.  She was released after being examined and treated.  I was told her days of independent walking were over.  She now needed to use a walker.

The people who were caring for her suggested I spend five weeks teaching her how to walk with a walker:  three practice sessions per day for thirty-five days.  The physical therapist and the caregivers would be unable to give her the intensive attention she needed.

I was in.  I’d spent over half my life successfully teaching a wide variety of students, I wanted to help my Mom however I could, and I looked forward to being there for and with her.

The physical therapist quickly taught me what I needed to know to teach my Mom how to walk with her shiny new friend.  She also suggested I make her walker so pretty my Mom would remember it was hers and would want to use it.

I went to the craft store and bought a long garland of brightly colored silk tropical flowers to wrap around the support bars.  The walker was so pretty that, when Mom and I were dining at a local restaurant, a young woman with multiple piercings and tattoos smiled and called out, “Lady, you sure have a stylin’ walker!  I want to have a walker just like yours someday!”   My Mom loved the compliment, and she loved her pretty walker.  The caregivers and support staff assured her she had the prettiest walker in the memory care unit.

Making the walker attractive was one thing.  Remembering to consistently walk with the walker was something else.  Mom was a good student.  She quickly picked up the basics and used her walker with confidence.   I gave her lots of lovingly enthusiastic praise, and she smiled a big smile.  I gave her a hug and said I’d be back in a few hours.  When I returned, she had no memory of ever having used the walker.  She didn’t connect the pretty shiny metal thing with helping her walk.  Back to square one.  Over and over and over again.

I didn’t take it personally.  I understood my Mom had severe memory issues and would require from me lots of patience and love.  I had lots of patience.  I loved her greatly.  I wanted to do this with her.

My Mom didn’t want to be difficult, but she could be difficult.  Her brain issues caused her to be sweet with me some days and angry with me other days.  Her moods could shift from good to awful back to good within a few seconds.  When she was good, she was very, very good.  When she was bad, she was……well, you know.  I’d had years of practice being around her after her brain trauma, but I was lonely and burned out.  And frustrated.

I could have easily stayed in frustration if I’d made the situation about me.  I knew the situation wasn’t about me.  It was about making my Mom as comfortable as possible.  My highest service to her was to search for and find a way to move out of what I wanted and into what she needed.

If you’re currently up to here with the difficult people in your life, these next lines have been written just for you.  Call it a mini transformational handbook, if you like:

• I (meaning I was making my role as teacher more important than her role as student, which contradicts my lifetime teaching philosophy of humbly being in service to my students) became more and more frustrated with each new teaching failure.
• My increasing frustration with each new failure eventually gave way to surrendering all hope that I (meaning me, the supporting person in this scenario) would succeed.
• Surrendering all hope that I would succeed eventually gave way to not caring whether or not she (meaning her, the star of this scenario and the person I was attempting to help) would ever learn to consistently use the walker.
• Not caring whether or not she would ever learn to consistently use the walker eventually gave way to looking for and finding ways to more deeply share love with her (meaning us) than ever before.

Moving from keeping the focus on me to keeping the focus on her to keeping the focus on us was the key.  There are three beings in every relationship:  person one, person two, and the relationship.  If the needs of the relationship are neglected because person one and/or person two is/are putting what they want for themselves above the needs of their union, the union is on its way to failure.

What was the outcome of the five weeks of lessons?  My Mom used the walker sometimes, she would leave the walker in her room at other times, and I don’t recall her ever falling again.  I didn’t make a big deal out of her not using her walker.  I made a big deal out of doing my best to be what she needed me to be.  Continual criticism destroys love.  Continual support builds love.  Our love continued to grow until she passed on.

Unions are built on growing trust, creating a safe space for each other, and consistently being there for each other.  If your relationship or relationships with your difficult person or people are currently suffering, you might want to move away from seeing things only through your eyes to concentrate on how you both can best meet each other’s needs.  Truth be told, each of us can, at times, be difficult to love.

Do you want to help heal the world?  Be the model for healing relationships.  We live in divisive times.  Without preaching, without teaching, quietly share your stories of relationship healing with others to inspire them to rediscover union in their own relationships.

If you want to keep the focus on love, I am in the process of creating a new website page featuring my Bracelets From Heart.  Each Bracelet From Heart has been designed with at least one heart bead.  Each Bracelet From Heart has been designed to be a good reminder to return to being love.  The page is now live, and I’ll be continuing to add new designs to the page:

https://www.transformingthroughlove.com/bracelets-heart/

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